Picture this: You're standing in your kitchen, attempting to make coffee while bouncing a fussy baby on your hip. Your hair hasn't been washed in... actually, you've lost count of the days. There's spit-up on your shirt (again), and you just realized you've been humming "Baby Shark" for the past ten minutes. Suddenly, you catch your reflection in the microwave door and think, "Who even IS this person?"

Welcome to the identity crisis that nobody tells you about. 🙃

The Identity Earthquake of Matrescence

Remember adolescence? That awkward, emotional, who-am-I-and-why-is-my-face-doing-this phase? Well, matrescence (yes, it's a real term!) is like adolescence 2.0—except instead of getting a driver's license, you're responsible for keeping another human alive.

Anthropologist Dana Raphael first coined this term in the 1970s, and recent research has confirmed what mothers have always known: becoming a mom rocks your sense of self to the core. A 2018 study published in Qualitative Health Research found that new mothers consistently reported a profound shift in identity, describing it as "destabilizing" and "all-consuming."

But here's what often gets left out of the conversation—this identity shift isn't a bug in the system. It's a feature.

The Science Behind Your Shifting Self

Your brain is literally rewiring itself for motherhood. No, seriously—neuroscientists at the Universitat Autònoma de Barcelona found significant structural changes in the brains of new mothers, particularly in regions involved in social cognition and attachment.

These changes help you:

• Become hyper-attuned to your baby's needs
• Feel motivated to respond to those 3 AM cries (even when you're exhausted)
• Experience that fierce mama bear protectiveness

The downside? The neural regions involved in your sense of self are undergoing renovation too. Research published in Social Neuroscience found that pregnancy and early motherhood temporarily disrupt activity in the default mode network—brain regions involved in self-reflection and autobiographical memory.

Translation: It's not just sleep deprivation making you forget your own phone number or what you were like before babies. Your brain is literally reorganizing your sense of self.

"But I Used to Be..."

One of the most disorienting aspects of new motherhood is the sudden feeling that your pre-mom identity has vanished into thin air. My thoughts were not limited to:

• "I used to love going out for dinners with friends with wine flowing, now I consider it a win if I eat something that's not cold/leftover/grabbed with one hand."
• "I used to have intelligent conversations about books/politics/work, now I talk about poop consistency."
• "I used to care about my appearance, now I consider dry shampoo a hair wash."

A study in the Journal of Family Issues found that 86% of new mothers reported feeling disconnected from their pre-motherhood identities. The good news? The same study found this feeling typically evolves into a more integrated sense of self by 12-18 months postpartum. Being 2 years postpartum as I write this- I can confirm, a real, solid sense of who I am has returned- and she is wilder, more creative and more driven than ever!

You're not losing yourself permanently—you're in transition.

The Identity Collision: When Worlds Collide

The trickiest part of this identity shift is that your old self doesn't just politely exit stage left. Instead, your pre-mom identity and your new mom identity often collide in confusing ways:

• You love your baby fiercely, AND you miss your freedom
• You wouldn't trade motherhood for anything, AND you sometimes(or maybe often) daydream about your pre-baby life
• You want to be present for your little one, AND you crave time alone

This isn't ambivalence—it's the normal complexity of integrating a massive new dimension into your existing sense of self. Psychologists call this "role conflict," and research shows it's especially intense for millennial mothers, who often had firmly established careers, relationships, and identities before becoming parents.

Mourning the Old, Celebrating the New

Here's something that might feel taboo to admit: it's normal to grieve aspects of your pre-mom life. Research published in Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology confirms that this grief is a healthy part of the transition to motherhood.

What you're grieving might include:

• Spontaneity (remember deciding to see a movie... and then just going?)
• Bodily autonomy (having your physical space to yourself) 
• Professional identity (especially if you've paused your career)
• Relationship dynamics (becoming "mom and dad" instead of just partners)
• The ability to focus completely on a task (without constant interruptions)

Acknowledging this grief doesn't mean you regret becoming a mother—it means you're human. As a much more self-aware mom in my community perfectly put it: "I can absolutely adore my child while occasionally wanting to resign from motherhood for an afternoon."

Finding Yourself in the Motherhood Fog

So how do you navigate this identity earthquake? While there's no one-size-fits-all solution (motherhood itself will teach you that!), research and real-mom experiences suggest some helpful approaches:

1. Name what you're experiencing

Simply recognizing that identity disruption is a normal part of matrescence can be powerful. A 2019 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that mothers who understood the concept of matrescence reported less distress about their changing identities.

Try this: When you're feeling particularly lost, say to yourself: "This is matrescence. This is normal. This is temporary." I know many women in my circle who do this when they are PMSing and their cycle is about to begin and it has helped me immensely when I have felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. 

2. Maintain identity anchors

Research from the University of California found that maintaining connections to key aspects of your pre-mom identity significantly improves well-being during the transition to motherhood.

Try this: Identify 2-3 core elements of your pre-mom identity that feel most important (maybe it's your creativity, your social connections, your physical activity). Then find small, realistic ways to maintain connection to these even in the chaos of new motherhood.

3. Find your matrescence mentors

A study in Maternal and Child Health Journal found that social support specifically around identity changes was more beneficial than general support for new mothers.

Try this: Connect with mothers who are just a few steps ahead of you in the journey—not so far that they've forgotten the intensity, but far enough that they have perspective.

4. Practice both/and thinking

Cognitive research shows that black-and-white thinking increases psychological distress during major life transitions.

Try this: When you catch yourself in either/or thinking ("I'm either a good mom OR a good professional"), deliberately reframe to both/and ("I can be both a devoted mom AND invested in my career, even if both look different now").

5. Claim the transformation

Research from maternal psychology shows that mothers who view their identity changes as transformation rather than loss report greater satisfaction with motherhood.

Try this: Instead of focusing on what you've lost, get curious about what you're gaining and becoming through this experience. What new strengths, perspectives, or values are emerging?

The Secret Nobody Tells You About Mom Identity

Here's something that doesn't get talked about enough: the identity shift of motherhood isn't just about loss. Yes, parts of your pre-mom self move to the background (temporarily or permanently), but motherhood also expands your identity in powerful ways.

Research published in Journal of Family Psychology found that while new mothers initially reported identity disruption, by 18-24 months postpartum, most described identity enrichment—feeling that motherhood had added new dimensions to their sense of self without completely erasing who they were before.

You don't just lose your pre-mom identity when you become a mother. You gain a more complex, nuanced, and oftentimes stronger sense of self—even if it takes a while to emerge from the newborn fog. For all those years in my 20s where I yearned for confidence, I can now whole-heartedly say that motherhood has given me that. If you don't want to hear it from me, hear it from Ellen Pompeo aka Meredith Gray. 

A Letter to the Woman in the Microwave Reflection

So to the mom catching her disheveled reflection while making one-handed coffee:

The woman you were still exists. She's in there, although she's evolving into something new. The parts of yourself that feel lost in these early days of motherhood aren't gone forever—they're being transformed and integrated into a more complex version of you.

This disorienting identity shift isn't a sign that you're doing motherhood wrong or that you've somehow failed to "keep it together." It's the natural, necessary process of becoming a mother. It's hard precisely because it's so profound.

You're not just taking care of a baby—you're being born as a mother. And birth, as you now know better than ever, is beautiful, messy, painful, transformative work.

Give yourself the same grace, patience, and care you're giving your little one. You're both new here.

What aspect of your pre-mom identity do you miss most? What new aspect of your identity has emerged that surprises you?